He Wouldn't be Calling her 'Sloppy Seconds' if she Still Played Kim Bauer

Because Jack Bauer would kick this joker's ass, torturing him until he gave up the names of every other hockey player his daughter had ever slept with. And he'd do it all while saving the NHL from becoming an irrelevant sport in America. Too late, you say? Not for Jack Bauer.

Of all the cajoling, snide remarks and other stunts Sean Avery pulled on the way to becoming the biggest pest in hockey, never had he gone so far that the NHL believed it had to suspend him -- until Tuesday. 

Avery's inflammatory line came following a morning skate in Calgary, Alberta. Reporters were waiting to speak with Avery about disparaging remarks he'd made last month about Flames star Jarome Iginlawhen Avery walked over to the group and asked if there was a camera present. When told there was, he said, "I'm just going to say one thing."

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada," the Ontario native said. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." He then walked out of the locker room.

Avery's ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert of the television show "24" and the movie "Old School," is dating Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf; she had been romantically linked to Mike Komisarek of the Montreal Canadiens. Avery also dated Rachel Hunter, the former Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model and actress who is now the girlfriend of Los Angeles Kingscenter Jarret Stoll.

The NHL suspends you for this now? No wonder the NHL has become irrelevant. He should have been forced to play the entire game, where Calgary defensemen Dion Phaneuf and his Calgary teammates would have beat his ass all over the ice. 

Crude remarks? Sure. But not worthy of suspension. If he needed to be suspended from the NHL for anything, it would be his queer obsession with fashion and purses. Sorry, did I say queer? I meant "strange." 

Meanwhile, his cast-offs are free to go about their business, spreading their legs for every player in the NHL. 

The NHL: We may be irrelevant as a sports league, but at least our players bed the best looking sluts.