Yesterday, I wrote about my plan to even the playing field by way of the flat tax, in my piece entitled,"It's Time for the Poor to Pay Their Fair Share." Friends have told me that my plan, while full of common sense solutions, is much too radical for today's America. They have a point. That's why it's time to change the way conservatives play politics.
Liberals have known for ages that the best way to achieve the sort of "compromise" they want (read: conservatives giving up their core beliefs for liberals) is to offer up completely off-the-wall, moonbat proposals that all rational people find completely unacceptable. Then they compromise back to the seemingly sane (by comparison) solution that they wanted in the first place. This is how we end up with President Bush working with Democrats in Congress to add a new entitlement program. This is how we end up with, well, John McCain. That's what we need to start doing again. We've done it before. Remember Newt Gingrich?
Newt single-handedly built the most effective legislating majority in American history with his Contract With America. He did this despite Democrats attacking him as the "Gingrich who stole Christmas" and claiming that a Republican-controlled Congress would result in your grandmother being forced to eat dog food for survival and poor children walking the streets begging for spare change. How did he do this?
He laughed at them. He said, "No, your grandmother won't be eating dog food for survival, because I won't let her. Republicans love puppies, puppies are so cute and they taste delicious. No, your grandmother will just have to starve. And your kids won't be on the streets either; I'm gonna put them to work in the Kiddie Corps, whose job will be to prevent grandmothers from eating all the dog food." And then he would giggle. After that he would bite the head off of a live chicken, right there on the floor of the House of Representatives. I swear, I saw him do it many times. There were some noisy House meetings in those days. Man, that guy was a badass!
And you know what happened? Democrats caved. We got a balanced budget, we got welfare reform, we got tax incentives for families, we got tougher crime sentencing, we got capital gains tax cuts, etc. All this stuff was signed by Bill Clinton, kicking and screaming all the way, because Newt was holding him upside down off the White House balcony. (And they say that torture doesn't work?) And now Bill regularly takes credit for everything Gingrich and the Republicans accomplished against his will. Fine, so be it. It worked.
My point is, we need a new conservative leader who will implement the tough solutions to our nation's problems. A leader with such radical views that if the people pass on his, they will then be prepared to accept more mainstream conservative solutions.
Our leader needs a name. Let's call him Scott Martin. A good, all-American sounding sort of name, don't you agree? You can picture him as a handsome, rugged young man with a winning smile and a gleam in his eyes. Wonderful. Now let's start his campaign. Page up to the top of this website, look to the upper right hand corner of the screen and you will see an orange button where you can donate to the Committee to Elect Scott Martin President in 2012. Why 2012, you ask? Because 2008 is already a lost cause; there will be no conservative President elected this year. Also, our Scott Martin will not be old enough to be President until the next election.
Next, we give him the breakout speech. It must be better than "ask not what your country can do for you." Better than "was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor." Better than "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky."
"But those are the three greatest Presidential speeches of all time," you say. Admittedly so. But I have written a better one. Really, I have. I have written the speech that will galvanize Americans like no other speech before ever has.
"Who the hell are you," you ask. Why, I'm Scott Martin, the guy who you are supporting for President in 2012. What a coincidence, and how fortunate for you that your candidate has organized all that you need to know in order to support him right here in one spot!
Now back to the speech. The effective campaign-starting speech should focus strongly on one issue. That issue must be very important to the American people. It must give the people a common goal, and it must immediately galvanize 75% of the American people against a common enemy. I have found the issue; it is the economy. I have found the enemy; it is the American poor. I, Scott Martin, will deliver the following speech to kick off my campaign, some time in 2011.
"It's Time to Soak the Poor"
My fellow Americans, I stand before you today because I can no longer sit idly by and watch as the American economy continues its agonizing descent. Americans have always prospered, relative to other nations. Greatness is our birthright as Americans, but with rights come responsibilities. Today, more and more people are refusing to accept responsibility for the greatness that lies inside themselves,
begging to be awakened. We will awaken that greatness within each and every American whether he likes it our not! (Hearty applause)
"Who the hell am I?" you ask? What difference does it make? You knew absolutely nothing about the guy you elected four years ago. You elected Change McHopeyUnity, and look what it's gotten you. We sit in long lines for $8-a-gallon gas, the economy is in the tank, unemployment sits at ten percent, you're being taxed up the wazzoo... I could go on, by why beat a dead political party while it's down. (Laughter)
America today is diseased. You all know the problem. You work hard to survive and provide for your family, you do your part as an American. But some people don't. Some people take, take, take from their fellow Americans and give very little in return. You know these people. They are the poor. (Boos)
What have the poor ever added to this country? Poor people suck. I was poor for a few years as a young adult, so I know from experience. I sucked when I was poor. I had self-destructive habits and I added nothing of value to society. Only when I woke up and realized that my life was going to suck forever if I didn't make some changes did I start to prosper and become a productive member of society.
Not only do poor people suck, poor people smell. I'm my hometown of Phoenix, you can tell what kind of neighborhood you're in by how the Circle K convenience store smells. In the poor neighborhoods, the stores smell like a combination of wet dog and ass. Don't ask me why, but they do. The poor are like hippies without a cause.
So poor people take, they suck and they smell. Are we all agreed? (Yes!) What are we to do about it?
We've tried it the liberals' way. We've tried their "progressive" tax schemes, and we've learned that, like all things that are today called progressive, they are actually regressive. They cause society to regress towards the failed socialism of the past, where everyone shares scarcity. You've seen the effects.
We tried soaking the rich. What we found was what was to be expected. You can't soak the rich, because the rich are already rich. They will just stop being productive, they will stop investing in the economy, and there won't be any good jobs for those of us who aren't rich. That's what we see today. We need a common sense solution for today's times. My fellow Americans, it is time to soak the poor. (Heads nodding in agreement)
We went to war on terrorism, and we did it by defeating terrorists. We went to war on drugs, and we did it by arresting drug dealers and destroying drugs. When I am elected President, I will immediately begin a real war on poverty, where we will go after the root of the problem: poor people.
No longer will we accept a nation where 10% of the people add no value to society. We have the world's wealthiest poor here in America. Our poor are fat, they are coddled and they have too much free time. No more. I will make being poor in America so miserable that no sane person would long accept living here anymore. (Wild applause)
Ninety-seven percent of poor households have a color television; over half own two or more color televisions.
Seventy-eight percent have a VCR or DVD player; 62 percent have cable or satellite TV reception.
Not anymore! If a family receives any aid whatsoever from the American taxpayer, in the form of welfare or unemployment or food stamps, etc, I will take away its televisions. What the hell are they doing watching television? They ought to be working, or learning a skill that will make them a contributing member of society. I will take away all electronic equipment, except for a personal computer that will be reprogrammed so that they will only be able to access websites that help educate or teach a productive skill. America's poor will be busy at work getting out of their poverty, or they'll be heading to Mexico where life will be easier for them! (Raucous applause)
I will immediately order the first "regressive" federal income tax in the history of the world. Every American family will be taxed at 35 percent on its first $20,000 of income. It will decrease from there.
$0-$20,000 = 35%
$20,001-$50,000 = 20%
$50,001-$1 million = 5%
No income after the first million will be taxed.
That's right. The money you earn is a payment based on the added value (in dollars) that you have contributed to society. Bill Gates has billions of dollars because his products have made life billions of dollars better for the people of this country and of the world. When I am President, anyone who earns over $1 million will be judged to have exceeded his obligation to society, and there will be no taxes levied on extra earnings.
We will unleash prosperity on this country like the world has never seen before. Investment will boom, well-paying jobs will be plenteous.
I notice a few of you in the audience who still look a little bit unsure. You are compassionate people, as I promise you I am too. Let me assure you that if you don't believe that the poor deserve some tough love, you will be allowed to give to charity all you please. But the government of the United States will no longer be in that business.
Most likely, you're a Christian. The Bible is pretty generous to poor people. Let me remind you that when the Bible was written, there had never been a nation like the United States of America. We have so lifted oppression from society that there is no excuse for any able-bodied person who is following the Lord's exhortation to work "heartily as unto the Lord" being poor. If you are working heartily, you won't need government to take care of you. If Jesus Christ were here on Earth today, I believe he would be talking less about giving to the poor and more about the poor getting to work! (Applause)
And once you see what begins to happen when a country demands that its people excel, you will know that it would be destructive to give to that person who could do so much better for himself if only he were allowed to fail and encouraged to prosper. When my plan is in full effect, charity will once again be reserved for people who, through no fault of their own, need help.
My challengers say I can't be elected. The poor will never vote for him, they say. Why not? The poor have been voting against their best interests for decades. Hell, they are mostly Democrats, right? But even that misses the point. 90% of Americans are not poor, and certainly never will be again after
my policies are enacted. All we need is for the American people to unite. Can we do it? (Yes we can!Yes we can!)
With your help, I will fight and defeat our common enemy (poor people). We will prosper like nothing the world has ever seen. We will reclaim our birthright as Americans! May God bless you and continue to bless the United States of America.
This message was paid for by the Committee to Elect Scott Martin President in 2012.
My name is Scott Martin, and I approve this message.
Can I count on your vote in four years?
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